High conflict personalities can be extremely challenging to deal with when it comes to divorce in general and Orange County divorce mediation in particular. This piece is covered in two blogs with some tips covered in this blog, while the other covered in an upcoming blog.

Before highlighting a few tips to help you deal with high conflict personalities through your Orange County divorce mediation. We need to take a look at the characteristics that define a High conflict spouse.

Characteristics of High Conflict Personality Spouses

The four primary characteristics they have are:

• An approach to have everything for want nothing
• Stick religiously to blaming others for any and every fault in their life.
• Inappropriate and at times extreme behavior that is often unexplainable.
• Lack of emotional management, which leads to exaggerated, unmanaged emotions.

Other characteristics of such personalities can be:

• Being self centered
• Lack of foresight between their actions and its repercussions
• Manipulation of situation to fit into their own version of events
• Cognitive distortions
• A tendency to get into interpersonal conflicts
• Being Unreasonable
• Like to view themselves as victims in any conflict
• Have a troubled past
• Can make minor problems into major ones at will

Tips to Mediate with Such Personalities

Once the characteristics of the high conflict personality are clear, let’s take a look at a few trips to deal with such spouses in Orange County mediation.

• At the start of the mediation process, be clear and confident about the fact that the other spouse is not in charge.
• In mediation you are usually required to make opening statements. Instead of this, give the high conflict personality spouse the chance to speak about what they are willing to achieve from this process. What do they think is the best proposal for both the spouses?
• Don’t expect your spouse to identify your interest and needs. HCP spouses are bad at thinking out of the box and are too self-centered to care about you. You need to be clear with each of your want and need from the outset, showing your tenacity to get what you want.
• High conflict spouses usually go into any form of discussion with simply one solution in mind. The best way to deal with that is to present their solution as a proposal and highlight how this proposal is what will ultimately lead to a solution.
• Orange County divorce mediation is all about courteousness and respect. You need to treat your spouse with respect, give them respect, and understand their viewpoints. Show them you are willing to listen to their points.

Gerald A. Maggio is a trained divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters.

Here is a continuation of the tips. It is best that you read the first blog before reading this one to have a better understanding of the topic.

• The problem with a high conflict spouse in a divorce is that they suffer from distortions and have a belief of being right always. This can take over and make them extremely persuasive, you need to stay well of any attempts of persuasion and maintain healthy skepticism.
• Sometimes Orange County divorce mediation can start to get out of hands with high conflict personalities raging on with their unruly behavior. Even in times like these maintain your confidence and calm.
• If you can, try and lower their levels of expectations. They might be looking to have everything from the Orange County divorce for themselves and gentle reminders here and there that this is not the case, will help them deal with the final agreement better.
• Make sure you don’t come out as offensive to your spouses, even though they might be livid and unruly. Continue to respect them despite their taunts or antics.
• Try to seek mutual agreements along the way with your HCP spouse, so that they have a feeling of being taken into confidence every step of the way.
• Request the mediator to control the show of open emotions by either of the party. For a high conflict personality managing their emotions is next to impossible, which means once they start to vent their emotions, there may be no stopping them. Ask the mediator cut their vents before they start to go on long. Orange County mediators should merely acknowledge their emotions before leaving them in the backdrop and moving ahead.
• If you are looking to make your point, try and not be directly offensive to your HCP spouses. In such cases, they would want to respond and retaliate creating a sticky situation.

Advice for Orange County divorce mediators on handling HCP personalities in mediation.

• Tell the HCP spouse to keep a calm head and not react on proposals offered by the other spouse. Simply tell them to respond to proposals using single words such as a yes, no or a let’s see. Instead of giving them the podium to bash the living daylight out of the proposal and the proposing spouse.
• Tell them that the process is on them, if they want to opt out they can but that their best realistic chance at a solution is through mediation.
• When the two spouses finally agree on a solution for their Orange County divorce, make sure the agreement has strong non compliance clauses. It is best if you ask the HCP spouse to propose these.

Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters.